The weather is changing

The weather is changing. I am too. What I liked yesterday does not entice me today. From status to state, from friends to fate change has set in. How equipped I am to handle the change would decide on how long I would still survive.

I betrayed and I am betrayed,
In the process I did not realize when I grayed.
I fight and I have been fought,
In the end, I ended up with a nought.
I have shot and have been shot,
Thirst for camaraderie lingering in endless drought.
I question and am questioned,
Answer, I don't and I don't expect.

Rebel without a cause

I reason, I shout, I fume, I fret and fall in line,
I rest, I think, I reason… for a change with self and console and decide its fine,
I curse, I hate, with Passion and fervor very few have known and shown,
I try to change. I have no power to change, I change and feel let down,
Cycle repeats, but after a brief pause,
I do nothing as ever, ‘cos I am a rebel, a rebel without cause.

You

Said, unsaid,
Undid, did,
Left a mark indelible.

Pain that is sweet,
Debris that is neat.

I loved to love, and now live to hate,
Curse you and resign to fate.

You are not a wound that time would heal,
You are me, happy and unleashed.
With words that never found a voice,
I did move on, left with no choice.

US chronicles -1

The trip that started on a cold Saturday should have sent me some signal in natures own way that was unfathomable to me. Pops and Babai came to see me off. After about 3 hours at terminal at RGIA, I proceeded onto the flight. But for some cold food and pathetic journey, landed at the Terminal 5 of Heathrow. It is a busy and big airport. After a wait of about 5 hours, got onto another flight a smaller one in size and a bigger one in its problems. British Airways sucks. After an uneventful 8 hours, landed at the Philadelphia international. With doubts in my mind, i proceeded towards to the imigration counter. I had heard some heart warming stories of people that were deported and were grilled for further interviews etc. But, nothing such happened with me.

Two simple questions and I was in. Jetlag is now the next bigger threat. Househunting ended in ten minutes after it started. I moved in about 1 hour from then. Food, a little sleep and then Jetlag. I slept like a log yesterday and am back to sleeplessness now.

A visit to a mall and then of all places, a temple rounded up my Martin Luther King Jr. day. Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon after about 10 hours of sleep. I am yet to start on my normal routine yet. Let us see how it shapes up. Wilmington is a small place with nothing much to do. Need to see how I cope with the life here. Good luck to me.

Nonsense!

You had thought, you would post something on your blog that evening. Evening goes by in doing mundane things. You would decide to write something later that morning. You wake up late and the activity gets postponed to evening. The routine goes on and by the time you realise that it has been more than a year since you last posted something on your blog, you would missed out on making a note of a thousand different things that you had wanted to chronicle. It could have had a hundred different poems and stories you wanted to write. It could have had the reviews of several movies you wanted all your friends to see. It could have had those numerous discussions and events that you shared and cherished with friends. The list could have had almost everything between the sun and earth.

On a personal front, you had a wonderful opportunity to jot down all those learnings and see your transformation at a later stage in life. Getting to think of it, why do you blog? Is is to show the world that you could write? Is it to sare with the world all the nonsense that goes on in your head? What is the reason behind blogging? You curb the urge to use the cuss words to sound cool. But, what is the whole point? Nothing as usual.

My First story

Sir, Passport please. The voice of the immigration officer jolted me back into the present.
I was feeling numb. Believing that your brain could be blank at any point of time was difficult earlier. But not anymore. It has been devoid of any thoughts for the past 2 months. I made my way into the flight supposed to fly me to a distant shore far enough from her. My thoughts raced back to the D-day.

December 29th 2008. Monday
The day would forever be etched in my memory. The day she rejected me and the day she said, I was not worthy enough. I had heard her reject me several times before. But this time it was different. I had convinced myself that this has to be the last time I am trying to win her. I can’t forever be trying to woo her.

Was thinking about how it all started…!!

Thoughts came, racing back to me. I was searching for a clean pair of socks to head for cricket practice, when I heard Pavan, my senior at college talk about this girl. He was telling a group of his friends, how a lot of people he knew tried to woo her and failed miserably. The list seemed to be full of the who’s who of my college.

I tried barging into the discussion telling him, no girl is unachievable. But being the dumb head he was, he did not listen to me. I thought wait till the day I, the Einstein Jr. show you my magic. No Girl is as unachievable as she seems. It’s just pure chemistry buddy, I boasted.

How was I to know that, I had selected the wrong role model to start with? Einstein was no Casanova. I forgot the incident pretty conveniently.

But she was destined to come into my life. This time it was a girl from my class who was relentlessly talking about her. She was telling us how her brother tried and is currently shattered by her rejection. Every one at her home was worried about how he would cope with the dejection.

The word unachievable was still ringing in my ears. I am from the achievers club and unattainable always aroused in me a desire to prove people wrong. Me being me, I was curious to find more about her. I talked to friends and gathered a lot of details about her. I started working towards my goal.
One morning our paths crossed for the first time. The college library was where I first met her. I said hi to her. She did not bother to reply. My male ego was hurt and I left the place fuming and vowing never to see her again in life. But destiny had its own plans in store for me.

Library was destined to be the most important place in my life and Pavan one of the most influential persons. Now when I recollect, it was this association that altered my path forever.
It was 2 weeks after our initial tiff and the location, college library.

She was with Pavan and I tried avoiding meeting them. But, Pavan called after me and I had to go say Hi.

Pavan went ahead with the introductions. Pleasantries were exchanged.
Hi she said and I replied with a curt Hi.

I kept talking to Pavan, who was trying to get her into the conversation. After a futile attempt at avoiding her..

“Did you feel bad the other day”, she asked?

“Why should I?”, I replied

“Friends??” Out of the blue she asked. Left with no better reason to say otherwise, I said yes.

The day I still remember was 30th December 2003, Tuesday.

This association surged ahead. In no time, I was completely enchanted by her. Thoughts about her drowned me in mire. Rest of the life took a back seat. It was she, she and she in my life. It was time for my exams. I had to pass the exams at any cost to be with her the next year. So, it was time for some serious study.

The night outs and those one day battings came to an end and the thought of staying without her for 2 months during the summer vacations bothered me. I wanted to spend the quality of my summer vacations with her. So, I requested my father to send me to join a crash course in Hyderabad. Little did he know of my devious intentions? My father relented. My sojourn in Hyderabad started.

Hyderabad.. One of her favorite cities. Most of her old friends stayed there.

I enjoyed my time with her and got pretty close to her. We spent a lot of tome together. I spoke to her about my ambitions in detail. I did not understand why she was so unattainable as projected.
Our story continued well after I came back.

The first time I proposed to her was on 21st November 2004. She listened to me but gave no response. I was scared shitless after I proposed. Finally some time passed by and I was still scared. I saw all possible dreams of her refusing me. But in one corner of my mind, I still had some hope. But all my fears turned true. When I repeatedly asked her, she said “can’t we stay friends for some more time?”. I had no answer. But I was not ready to take no.

The association continued. I got a job and joined a MNC with a good package. But, life did not seem very bright to me. Reason, I still had not got her. We kept in touch though. I still spent time with her. Time passed by and it was almost an year she had last said no.

I gathered courage and proposed. This time the response was positive and I was about to jump when she added, I am sure, you are one of the best guys I have come across and I would be happy if I say yes, but, I am not sure yet.

I was dumbfounded. I did almost cry. But, the fighter in me said, don’t give up. I took the rejection in my stride. Our friendship continued. Little did she say an outright no.

Time passed by and I gathered enough strength to say the dreaded three words to her. My manager at work called me and told me that I had to travel to Germany to night on a short term assignment. I had no choice and I travelled to night. I did not even get to say bye to her. My moods varied from time to time. One moment, I was this confident self and the second moment I was dead scared. I prayed night and day..Lord help me.. I had lost the chance to propose.

The assignment came to an end and with it my hopes of getting a yes from her. I came back. We did not lose touch. The association continued. By this time, all my family was aware of her existence. My father repeatedly kept on asking about her. He had a very good opinion and was satisfied with my choice. He went to the extent of saying this was the first sensible decision I had ever taken in the 23 years of my existence.

The association grew stronger. My confidence of getting her to say yes dwindled over time. But I did not let her off. In one corner of my mind, she was still there. My position in office grew stronger. With it, the number of opportunities also went up.

I frequently went on trips. Went to Spain, Austria, Brussels. Stayed in Germany. We lost touch frequently. But all the while she was a constant at one enclosed part of my mind.

I returned in Jan2008 and decided to stay back for good. There was only one goal now and it was her. Took a great deal of resistance to make my manager not send me back onsite. But, all this was nothing compared to the trade off…her. The truth was told and manager who was my well wisher finally gave her nod.

With the help of a couple of close confederates, sketched a plan to win her. She was happy that I came back and I was happy to be with her.

November 16th 2008, Sunday

One more of those fateful days which you would never want to remember but still would never leave your memory.

Got up early. Got dressed. Prayed to god..Lord, please please please…this is one gift I need badly. Grant me it and you would never see my face again. God was surprised to receive this request from one of his biggest non believers. He had his chance now and he paid back.

Met her at 10:00 AM and did the inevitable. I proposed. I tried convincing her with all my logic and hold on the vocabulary. She threw at me questions I was never prepared for. But, I put up a brave face.

I was sure the whole incident was a disaster. But she left the place without a word later. I waited for her response. With time, my hopes grew. She later sent an SMS saying she would give her answer on next Monday.

December 29th 2008. Monday

6:00 AM – Father called me and reminded me that this was the day. The wait started. I was waiting for her mail.

8:00 AM – No trace of her mail.

12:00 AM – One of my friends called me to enquire. But I was still waiting. Suddenly, the fateful email arrived. That was the last, my mates at office saw me. I walked dejected. I was not sure where I was heading to

11:00PM – Tankbund – 2 policemen came my way. Eyed me suspiciously for some time. But poor guys they don’t know I am afraid to take any drastic steps. They continued watching me with suspicion.
But I was not in a position to pay any attention to them. I was lost. My mind was blank. Future was bleak. As with the most, even I tried getting over her.

Next day at office, most of my colleagues had heard of the news. They tried consoling me. My PM called me. She asked me what I was going to do now. What would I reply.

I was not prepared for this eventuality. She suggested, I find some opportunity which would help me in my career and also take me to a far off shore.

She suggested one such opportunity and I had no reason to say no.
2 months had passed. I acted very normal. My parents, friends, colleagues were worried about me. But, I started on that journey.

March 1st 2009, Sunday
Newark International Airport
Ironically it was Pavan who came to take me home. He was surprised at my state. He asked me for reasons. I was in no mood to chat. Discussion went back to college days and finally came to her. I could not hold back anymore. All the reasons came out.

Pavan smiled. It was an “I said so” smile. Then we retired for the day. But while going to hit the sack, he said, “Buddy, I know some one who you would like to meet”. I asked him who?

“Good night”, he said and I was left with thoughts. Owing to jet lag was not able to sleep much. But, the next morning Pavan introduced me to the new girl on the block.

“Princeton review – GMAT”, the new book on the table said and Pavan followed saying, she is lot more achievable than her sister, CAT. Your work experience would definitely help you in impressing her.

I found a new love and we started our trails to woo her ;)

On selfdabba.com

Selfdabba.com is an initiative by the K himself to buy a new domain and start to blog as group. So initially K and myself had started to blog there.... But as fate has its way, am back here again because the account has been terminated with no intimation to K. So, just to fill the place here and increase the number of my posts, I am posting the two posts that I had earlier posted on selfdabba... The first post was the real self dabba by me... I have changed a couple of things here and there...but the rest of it is a copy paste from the prev post. Here I go...


Finally I find some time to just think about myself and type down a brief introduction about me. I am one of the zillion software engineers habiting the earth currently. I burn my ass staring blankly into a screen that shows me a lot that I don’t understand. But, as I am expected to solve a lot of things, I with the help of my most trusted companion Google try doing things. If you ask me if all this effort is worth the pain, you have fired a query to my mind’s processor that is gonna end in an infinite loop without an output.

After a word about the present, let me go down the memory lane just for a moment. This journey down into the origin of my existence might answer a couple of your doubts and questions. Being born in a small town in Andhra Pradesh, 25 years back, I have come a long way to be typing this from my office on an early Saturday morning here in Stuttgart, Germany. The school, the friends, the family and the teachers…every one do have a credit for the way I think, I react and the whole of my day to day existence. So, now that I am already thinking about them, why not just give a word of thanks. To all those who shaped me to be what I am, here is my big thanks.

All the confidence(over confidence might be the right word) I have in me is due to the fact that, I had the image of being intelligent and all that... In fact the arrongance I display today has its roots in my childhood. Being a sure shot contender for the quizzes, elocutions, science fairs etc had given me an iconic status in the school and in turn the not needed arrogance....They made me believe that I am a go getter and I can acheive anything in life...which is not entirely true. I am yet to come in terms with my limitations. I had tough time in accepting my faults. But, today I can honestly say that, I can accept my faults and am open to learning things from any one and everyone

My thoughts are quintessentially middle class. I love my friends. I love movies. I love good food. I love reading books. I love the security of home. I love my family and I love the run of the mill stuff :P. I am a bore. I love order. I am not much of the adventurous kinds. I almost hate being out from my routine. But, there are times when I surprise myself. I take the risks when no one really tries to go for them. I love to hold some power. One of my childhood dreams had been to be a doctor. All for being the one to have power over life and defy impending death.

One of the guys in my project, asked me if I am a taurean in our first meeting. So, if somebody could find those traits in first meetings, I might be one really. I am afraid about a lot of things. I have my reservations. I am not very good with people. I speak out at the wrong times and in the wrong tone. I wear my heart on the sleeve. But I am diplomatic to some extent. Over all of this, I try to be practical. But being the perfectionist I am, I tend to be more so. I have been accused of being heart less a lot of times before. But, cant help it... I am so... I have a lot of faith in my mind rather than the heart. But, I think a lot before making some decissions..to the point of making people think that I am fickle minded.


After reading Karteek’s post, I thought why not ask a couple of friends what they think about me. Me being me did not really expend any more energy on being creative. I love to do a copy paste…be it code or be it an idea. But then, I asked them in person what they think about me.

One guy thinks that “ I am a guy who always watches things from a distance being non committal, always advising what’s wrong, without trying to convince the person to do otherwise. In short he believes that my motto in life is one should learn by one self. The same guy tells me that I am the most obstinate person that he has ever come across and that he always feels that I would be there for him when the need arises. He told me I am pain in …you know where.” not that I understand much of what he said...but still...

One lady thinks that , “ I am rigid in my thought. I am dominating (these attributes being for both me and Karteek) but nonetheless a good friend.”

The other lady thinks that, ” I am one guy who she can turn to for anything without thinking twice. I talk a lot on topics that I like without noticing how well I am being received. She feels I am knowledgeable and practical. I am a no nonsense guy”

Karteek thinks that , “Sumanoj is yet another software guy who loves to do self-dabba. Passion for movies. Criminal intelligence. Innocent looks. Witty nature. Good discipline. Those are the hints I get if I’ve to write anything about him.”

What do I really think about myself? I never think much about. I am lazy. I am disciplined. I am a good friend. I am heavily biased. I am prejudiced. I am rigid. I learn from my mistakes. I live for myself. I do things at my own pace. I am slow in adapting. I love the security of my home. I enjoy arguing. I do boast a lot. I am technically weak. I most of the time am at extremes. I tend to be emotional at times. I take things personally when there is no reason to be personal. I have a hot temper.

Would keep adding more when I can think of. Would request all of you guys who know me to keep updating the list (the whole of the comments section is dedicated for you).